A lot of fellow bloggers are asking why I don’t have a chat box here. Well, I used to have one but for some unknown reasons, it disappeared and in spite of all my attempts to install the code back, it seems that there is nothing more I can do about that. You see, I’m not well-versed in html or anything highly technical. As a matter of fact, I am experiencing the same dilemma with my other blog. Should you have any questions or suggestions, feedback (?), kindly leave it under the general comments. And by the way, I also don’t know why comments are closed under the Comments by User and Comments by Section. My apologies.
For nearly 10 years, I hid my diary in my dad’s cabinet, in a drawer with lock and keys. Perhaps you are wondering why of all places, I decided to keep it there. The reason is simple and smart. My siblings are scared to touch anything from our father’s treasured documents and well, my dad would never have interest in a piece of pink notebook that looks like a photo album.
Six years later after my father passed away, mom asked me to help her dispose some of the things that we won’t be needing anymore. We cleaned the entire house which was an easy task because our entire house is just 45 sqm hehe so it’s small. And then, I found my old but unforgotten diary! Yehey!
I never allowed anyone, not even my bestfriend, to read a single page in that diary. Everything written in it, I considered as too personal and private. No. I don’t have a lot of secrets though I’d like to consider myself as clandestine. That diary is just about a boy I met when I was 16 years old. It’s just weird because after almost a decade of keeping my mouth shut about my true feelings for him, the boy and the diary don’t mean a thing to me now.
I read a few lines in one of the entries and I couldn’t help but laugh at myself with the way I used to feel for that boy. How I swoon everytime our eyes meet, how happy I was everytime he smiles at me, how I adored his newly cut hair, blah blah blah. Now all I can say is YIKES! Hehe! At the last few pages of my diary, I even planned to study in the same university where he was finishing his degree in Computer Engineering. Stupid Love! Haha!
Makes me think of another Leah Salonga soundtrack! “And while the song still brings that certain glow and the world still sing of a love I know. It isn’t quite the way it was before. I remember the boy but I don’t remember the feeling anymore.” Oh how I love Lea 
It’s been three months since I started this online journal and it’s so disappointing to see that I’ve only written 6 posts. Initially, my plan was to update Vanilla at least once a week but because of my super unpredictable working schedule, I can only write a post when I don’t have to render overtime at work. Another reason is that I am also taking advantage of my other blog’s page rank. I have to update Sterndal at least twice a week if I want to keep on receiving sponsored posts. Honestly, I am starting to think if blogging for money is worth it. Imagine being paid 1.50 dollars for a 200-word post. Is that worth it? It takes me more than two hours to complete the requirements. But I’m also loving it. Everytime I accomplish an apportunity and it gets approved, it’s like a self-fulfillment on my part. Feels like “I’m so great!” haha! In the following days, expect to read more about this blog because I promise that Iwill update Vanilla more often. Well, I don’t have much visitors but I also plan to work on that as soon as I find the time. Cheers!
Certainly, my life hasn’t been all daisies and roses. I’ve had my fair share of struggles and painful experiences and for the most part, I’ve chosen to keep everything to myself. Maybe for the fear of judgement and criticism of other people or I simply don’t want others to pity me. My pride is all I have and I feel like I’m going to lose my self respect if I’d allow them to see my weaknesses.
Society’s expectations are silly. They expect you to be happy all the time and to be thankful for everything. My neighbor got hit by a jeepney and lost his right leg and guess what our ”friendly neighborhood” told his poor wife? “Your husband is still lucky. He still have his left leg.” The woman responded with just a meek smile. I’ve known her ever since I was a little girl and she’s always been calm and collected. But I doubt if those so-called ”words of encouragement” helped ease her heart.
I just realized that sometimes people’s expectations are forcing us to live behind a mask. We always need to show that we’re okey and that we can handle all our problems even if deep inside, we’re already crushed …
Although my life story is far from Disney’s Mulan, her song will always be my favorite
Reflection by Lea Salonga
Look at me
I will never pass
For a perfect bride
Or a perfect daughter
Can it be,
I’m not meant
To play this part?
Now I see,
That if I were truly
To be myself
I would break my
family’s heart
Who is that girl I see?
Staring straight
Back at me
Why is my reflection
someone I don’t know?
Somehow, I cannot hide
Who I am, though I’ve tried
When will my
reflection show
Who I am inside
When will my
reflection show
Who I am inside